Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You Might Also Like
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis