Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?