Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
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[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills