My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My background check bounced.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.