Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

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I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face


It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.


Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.


Note: *coughs*


Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.


wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some


Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”



She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”



Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.


Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…