I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
You Might Also Like
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
great and now sky water
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
Now my CD’s are missing.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.