@mortimermaiden

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

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@dukelongboard

I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face

@GuyThe_Guy

It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

@ClichedOut

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

@HatfieldAnne

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

@TheHyyyype

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

@DJTannerComedy

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

@dafloydsta

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

@Breadery

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

@karanbirtinna

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…