I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…