Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK