@panmidwest

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

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@ohheyitszara

Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.

@SondraDeeMe

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

@xLiserx

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

@215potter

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

@stevevsninjas

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

@GoddessTitty

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

@BoomBoomBetty

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

@TheBoydP

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?