ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

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Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.


I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.


For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.


Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.


Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again


If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.


Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.


Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!


Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet


So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?