Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk