ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I did not eat the cake…
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.