Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
You Might Also Like
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off