@knot_eye

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

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@Ideal_Victoria

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

@wettbutt

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

@daemonic3

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

@GrantTanaka

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

@hythemafia

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

@lisaOoOo

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

@BarebakAssassin

Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.

@mrjohndarby

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

@HatfieldAnne

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

@BoomBoomBetty

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.