@UnFitz

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

@poutinesmoothie

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

@adult_keverage

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

@PwrFulWmn

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

@DanOverHere

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

@Fickle_Filly

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

@ch000ch

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

@dxblarssonENG

“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”