ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
I’m more hampster than gangster according to autocorrect
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”