Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out