Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?