Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me My dog
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.