Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered