Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake