Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”