Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
You Might Also Like
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
How actors in movies eat their food
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
The dark side of Canada
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*