Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
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Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED