@IndecisiveJones

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

You Might Also Like

@mrjohndarby

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

@LibyaLiberty

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

@SalaciousSully

Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@goodersuk74

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face open I really dont need to hear about your gym workout

@fuzzlime

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

@clichedout

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

@Darlainky

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

@rickygervais

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.