me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS


Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.


Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada


I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.


Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face open I really dont need to hear about your gym workout


Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]


ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology


Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”


If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.