[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face open I really dont need to hear about your gym workout
My phone never asks me to put my husband down.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.