me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
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6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.