Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus