Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play