I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave