me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
How to find Kentucky on a map
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful