@Megatronic13

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

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@nihilist_arbys

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

@elynnbarlow

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

@Probgoblin

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

@noogscorner

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

@AdamBroud

HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor

@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

@wsforbes

I miss you… then I eat something and it goes away…

@EmberToAsh

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

@Kyle_Lippert

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget