Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.