Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

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I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”


I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!


You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.


I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.


Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?


Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.


The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.


He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.