PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.