ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
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6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.