ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I think they could have phrased this better
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname