I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.
Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately
Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it
Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*
Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS