@chuuew

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

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@Cpin42

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

@QwertyJones3

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

@carrietini

According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@VisionBored1

Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately

Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it

Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool

@ewfeez

*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*

@shutupmikeginn

Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that

@Parkerlawyer

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS