How much for that babysitter?
Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape
I’ll take it!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
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“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”
-people that walk by my house on recycling day.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?