ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

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How much for that babysitter?

Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape

I’ll take it!


“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”

-people that walk by my house on recycling day.


*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?


Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake


You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.


Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah


Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?