ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.