Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Not😆🤣
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
happy friday
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.