Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.