Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
No. He’s not coming out to play
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that