@TheTweetOfGod
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
@elle91
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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@TheTweetOfGod
@SamGrittner
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
@kumailn
My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.
@NewDadNotes
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
@KateWhineHall
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
@Shenaniglenns
CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS
Me: Ok I-
CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.
@lbcoen
Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.
@DamienFahey
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
@Ristolable
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
@ashmensch
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.