Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I love the National Park Service.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Do not levitate over flowers
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎