@elle91

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

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@kumailn

My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.

@NewDadNotes

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

@KateWhineHall

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@lbcoen

Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.

@DamienFahey

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

@Ristolable

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

@ashmensch

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.