*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
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me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.