Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
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Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES.
Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.
*returns lost dog*
Lady: That’s not him. He was white
Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone
my boss: didn’t i fire you last week