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@Vodkantots: Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
@Xalqee: If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
@ericsshadow: My doctor told me, "If you don't quit smoking, it doesn't really matter how poorly you eat" and that was the best day of my life.
@sploosk: ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
@mommajessiec: Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
@RecursiveTaco: Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT