Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.