Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
He wanted to make sure😂
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
concern
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami