Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”