Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I’d use my best pan on you.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?