Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.