Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
You Might Also Like
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*