Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
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[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
In Canada, we don’t count by Mississippi’s, we count by Saskatchewan’s.
How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children
Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum.