@BoogTweets

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

You Might Also Like

@Playing_Dad

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

@Skoog

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

@serendipitydon1

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

@Marlebean

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

@JermHimselfish

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@aneesa_p

In Canada, we don’t count by Mississippi’s, we count by Saskatchewan’s.

@spicy_peen

How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush

@Jay16282

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children

@LetsFav

Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum.