Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.