Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
my astrological sign is a french fry
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer