ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
You Might Also Like
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs