@AristotlesNZ

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

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@RCKruseKontrol

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

@BruceForce

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

@KentWGraham

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

@archerenemy

Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

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@DaddyJew

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

@UnFitz

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
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@NoFlipFlops

Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn’t remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.

@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

@Playing_Dad

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

@Ygrene

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher