@AristotlesNZ

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

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@foodfacenow

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

@Sassafrantz

Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!

@QuietPsycho

Absinthe

For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation

@ranndrew

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

@Kalamwali_Bai

Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?

@urgeekisshowing

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

@KickSumHunibuns

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please