teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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Open bottle, allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it’s breathing, give it mouth to mouth -Beer
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.