Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
(2022)
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
#MeanwhileinCanada
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife