Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.