Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
Me: …….
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

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“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.


“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet


Found an apartment I really liked and the only review for the building was “love the location but I got stabbed in the hallway” ….. anyways my tour is in 30 mins


this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now


Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.


Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine


god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ


Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you