Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
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Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.