Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
me working on my assignments ^-^
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.